Largo al Factotum
by RainbowCookie318
Summary: Days in the life of flamboyant Lucius. No plot. Chapter Five is up! Lucius and Company go to the karaoke bar!
1. Largo al Factotum

A/N: This is a day in the life of Lucius Malfoy. A flamboyant, gay, singing Lucius Malfoy. It has nothing to do with anything and isn't set at any particular time. I've been listening to "Largo al factotum" and I couldn't help thinking how it would sound were Lucius to replace "Figaro" with his own name, because he's the barber that everybody wants.

**Largo al Factotum **

"--Tutti mi vogliono, qua la parrucca, presto la barba—"

"Father—"

"--Qua la sanguigna, presto il biglietto—"

"Father!"

"Lucius, Lucius, Luciusluciuslucius—"

"Father, would you shut it!"

Lucius fell silent, glaring at his son. He placed his hands on his hips and said, "What?"

Draco closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Please could you just... be quiet? I have to study."

"I was getting to my favorite part, you know," Lucius whined.

"You were singing it wrong," snapped Draco. "And you're not a barber!"

Lucius huffed. "Fine," he pouted. He flounced away, his pink silk robe billowing behind him, his bunny slippers shuffling across the floor.

He decided that he needed some company. Who better for that than his old friend Severus? He went up to his room and changed into smart robes and picked up his cane. In an attractive swirl of robes, he Apparated.

"AAAUGGH!"

"What a nice way to greet someone," Lucius said grumpily.

"You Apparated into my lap!" Severus Snape shoved Lucius off of him. Lucius hit the floor with a bang.

"Ow," Lucius whined. He pushed himself to his feet, rubbing his backside. "That hurt."

"Good," Severus grumbled. Lucius curled up in the armchair across from Severus. He had Apparated into the Snape Manor library, where Severus spent most of his time.

"What are you doing?" Lucius asked.

"Reading," Severus snapped.

"What are you reading?"

"A book!"

"..."

"..."

"Lucius qua, Lucius la, Lucius su, Lucius—"

"_What _are you doing, Lucius?" Severus closed his book, not bothering to mark his place.

"I'm singing," Lucius said. "Pronto prontissimo, son come il fulmine—"

"Silence," Severus said.

"But Sevums, don't you like my singing?" Lucius asked in a whine.

"No!"

"You're no fun. I'm just wanted some company." Severus snorted and stood. Lucius took his opportunity and cast a quiet spell on the carpet. Severus started walking—and flowers began to sprout in his wake. Lurid pink and blue flowers.

Lucius giggled as Severus walked to the bookshelf, reshelving his current book and choosing another. He turned around and Lucius laughed out loud as he stared in disbelief at the trail of flowers.

"Fifty points from Lucius," he muttered, stomping on the flowers as he returned to his seat.

Lucius laughed. Severus began to read. Lucius stood up and snuck up behind him, quietly reading over his shoulder.

Severus turned a page. "Hey, I hadn't finished yet," Lucius whined.

"Go away," Severus said.

"Wanna go to Diagon Alley?"

"No."

"...Knockturn Alley?"

"...Fine." Severus put his book down, stood, and Apparated. Lucius quickly followed to find Severus waiting for him at the entrance to Knockturn Alley.

"Wait, wait!" Lucius cried. "I have to go—!"

"You should've gone potty before we left," Severus grumbled.

"No, silly, I mean I have to go to Gringotts!" So they set off down Diagon Alley.

They were just leaving Gringotts with full money bags when who should they see but the golden trio: Potter, Weasley, and Granger.

"Let's have some fun," Lucius whispered to Severus, giggling. He straightened up, adjusted his robe, and stepped in front of the three children.

"Well, well, well," he said, his voice taking on a silky tone. "What have we here?" He let his eyes travel up and down Potter's worn Muggle clothing disdainfully. "A trio of Muggles, it seems. Oh, wait. These are wizards. I never would have known."

"Sod off," Potter snapped. Then he blinked, his gaze traveling to Lucius' feet. "Are you—Are you wearing fuzzy pink bunny slippers?"

Lucius looked down. Indeed, he had forgotten to change his shoes this morning. "Of course not. You must be hallucinating, Potter."

"No he isn't," said the bossy voice of Hermione Granger. "I see them too, right there!" She pointed, as if Lucius didn't know where his own feet were.

Lucius poked Potter's chest—it was well muscled, he realized, now that he had the chance to prod it—with his cane. "I suppose I will be seeing you... Sooner than you might think," he said threateningly. He strode past them, his slippers shuffling on the ground.

"Barking mad," he heard the Weasley boy scoff. Severus caught up to him quickly.

"What were you talking about?" he asked. "We haven't got anything planned soon."

Lucius giggled. "Always good to keep our enemies on their toes!" he sang. Hooking his arm through Severus', he attempted to skip away down the Alley. Severus hexed him.

Lucius shuffled into his bedroom, his arms full of new Dark Artifacts. He put them down to be displayed tastefully later, but just now he wanted a rest. He made to lie down on his bed, but shrieked when he realized that his wife was already there.

"Oh," he grumbled. "It's you."

"Come to bed, darling," she said, trying to be seductive and failing.

"No," he said. "You're icky—"

"'Because you're a girl,'" she finished for him with a sigh. "You are such a child. Give me some money, then." He handed her the remnants of his Gringotts bag. "Are you wearing my slippers?"

"No, these are mine," Lucius said. She shrugged and jumped up and Apparated away.

Lucius took a nap, and when he awoke, he decided to go visit the Dark Lord. He Apparated to Voldy's super secret hiding place.

"Lucius?" said the nasty hissy voice of Voldy.

"Yes, it is I!" Lucius said dramatically. "Come to pay my deepest respects and regards to—"

"Get in line," Voldy grumbled. Lucius blinked. Already there was Wormtail, groveling at Voldy's feet.

"He's mine!" Lucius gasped, kicking Wormtail. Wormtail leapt up and said, "Mine!"

Lucius grabbed Voldy's arm. "Miiiiine!" Wormtail grabbed his other arm. A tug-of-war ensued, peppered with shouts of, "Mine!" Apparently Voldy didn't like this much, because he was shrieking.

"Stop it!" screamed Voldy. Lucius blinked and let him go, as did Wormtail. Voldy rubbed his arms. "Okay, here it is. Whoever impresses me right now gets to worship me. The loser has to wait until the winner is done."

"I am so gonna win," Lucius told Wormtail. Then he burst into song. Voldy sat forward and clapped along with the beat while Wormtail huffed.

"Sono il factotum della citta! Della citta, della citta, dellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—" Just then Wormtail decided to kick Lucius in the shins. Lucius stopped in mid-word with a squeak and rubbed his shins. "You messed up my big ending!" he yelled. Pulling out his wand, he blasted Wormtail through the wall.

"Good job, Lucius," said Voldy. "You're my new best buddy. We'll sit up all night and have slumber parties and eat candy and then we'll go kill Dumbledore and then we'll watch _scary movies_!"

"Ooooooh!" Lucius squealed. "Let's get started!"

And that's what they did.

A/N: I know, I know. I deserve to be flamed at the stake for this. I just had to hear Lucius' lovely singing voice. Mad propz to Gioachinni Rossini and 404 Ways to Annoy Severus Snape.


	2. Happy Boys and Girls

**A/N: Okay, since I actually got positive reviews for Largo al Factotum, I've decided to try another one. It'll be different, because it won't be opera he's singing today. He's going to sing Happy Boys and Girls by Aqua. Yeah. I went there. **

"I don't wanna waste my time on simple little things! I'd rather stay here all the night with Lucius who sings!" Lucius sung softly to himself. He twirled his cane happily as he walked down the street in Hogsmeade. He had a good day planned today: he was going to have a drink at the Three Broomsticks, eat some Honeydukes chocolate, and then go visit Draco and Dumbledore, who had called him in for a parent/teacher conference.

Hogsmeade was oddly full today; it was obviously a Hogsmeade weekend for Hogwarts students.

The Three Broomsticks was crowded. Lucius stood by the door and placed his hands on his hips, looking over the crowd. He finally walked haughtily towards the bar.

"What can I get you?" Rosmerta asked him.

"I can see over everyone's head," he said smugly, drawing himself up to his full height.

"...What can I get you?" Rosmerta repeated grumpily.

"Firewhiskey," Lucius said. He sat down at the bar, adjusting his black robes. They were his favorites because they were reversible: if he turned them inside out, they were lurid pink and frilly.

Rosmerta banged a bottle of firewhiskey down in front of him. As he handed her the money, he sang, for her ears only, "I got a feeling you could use a little smile. Hoping you could stay there for just a little while." He grinned at her and downed the firewhiskey before he left. He glanced back at the door. She was goggling at him like a fish.

The firewhiskey hit him as he entered Honeydukes. He began to sing again as he chose his chocolate. "Happy boys and happy girls will be... We are the happy boys and girls! So happy, yeah, so, so happy, yeah!"

He paid for a large slab of chocolate which he then stowed in his robes. Then he decided to Apparate to Hogwarts. In the middle of the street, he spun on pointed toes gracefully.

Suddenly, he found himself slamming into a barrier. When he regained consciousness, he was sitting in the dirt a few feet away from where he had started.

"Oh yeah," he said, giggling. "I should read Hogwarts, a History more often. No Apparating!" He stood up, feeling oddly unbalanced. Craning to look behind him, he discovered that his bum was gone. He shrieked rather loudly and ran back to where he had started. His bum was just lying there in the street. "Omigod, omigod!" he said loudly. He pulled out his wand and waved it, shouting an incantation. It worked, and his bum successfully reattached to his body.

By then he was attracting rather a lot of stares. Swirling around, he stuck his nose in the air and pranced up to the castle.

The castle was almost empty, so Lucius began to sing again. His voice reverberated nicely against the stones.

"Young and old. Be happy... Lucius. Be happy... I'm sure you could. Be happy... 'Cause _happy_ boys and _Lucius_ around the world!!!!!!!" By then he had reached Dumbledore's office. "Making a lot of noise up there, throw your hands up in the AAAIIIIIRRRRRR!!" he sang in an exaggeratedly gruff voice to the gargoyle. It jumped to life, throwing its clawed stone hands up and jumping out of the way to reveal the moving staircase. Lucius giggled and got on the staircase.

When he reached the top, the firewhiskey and spiral staircase had made him very dizzy. He swayed and knocked on Dumbledore's office door.

"Come in!" Lucius obeyed, pushing the door open to stumble into the room. "Ah, Lucius," said Dumbledore. "Please take a seat."

Lucius sat down and looked around. Draco was there in the seat next to him. Lucius leaned over and whispered into his ear, "We're in trouble, aren't we?" Draco sighed and put his head in his hands.

"Lucius, it had come to my attention that Draco has seen fit to antagonize the younger students. He hexes and curses them and, even after getting detentions, he continues to do so. If this continues, he will be expelled."

Silence fell while Lucius tried to think of something to say. Finally, when nothing came to mind, he leapt onto his chair and sang, "Try with an eagle it will make you look so nice. And if you start to warm, you can further break the ice. Come on let's go get it on, everybody let's go have some fun!" Complete with hip gyrations. Draco groaned and hid under Dumbledore's desk.

Suddenly Dumbledore leapt onto his desk and sang loudly, "I don't want to waste my time on simple little things. I'd rather stay here all the night with everyone who sings..."

He and Lucius harmonized on the chorus and then Dumbledore sat down. "Now, to the matter at hand," he said. "Draco, take your seat."

------

Lucius had so endeared himself to Dumbledore that the headmaster had decided to give Draco another chance. Giggling about his victory, Lucius decided to escort Draco to his common room.

By that time, most students had returned from Hogsmeade. The Slytherin common room was full of loud children, but they fell silent when Lucius entered the room. He looked them over and then said softly and evilly, "I've made a decision... I'm going to... BE HAPPY!" He started to sing again, and Draco ran crying up to his room while the other Slytherins joined Lucius.

Somewhere along the way the common room floor got transfigured into a dance floor, with Slytherin boys taking their shirts off and Slytherin girls dirty dancing. A disco ball was conjured and attached to ceiling, spinning and sparkling. His work done, Lucius left smugly.

He wanted to visit Severus. But he also needed to use the little boys' room. He ducked into the nearest one, and when he was done, he removed his robe and turned it inside out. He sighed into the mirror as he adjusted his frills and then walked down to Severus' office, humming to himself.

"What—are—you—wearing?" Severus stuttered when Lucius entered his office.

"You need to work on your greetings," Lucius informed him. "It's called a reversible robe, and it's quite comfortable. What are you doing?"

"Grading papers," Severus said through gritted teeth.

"Ooh, I'll help," Lucius said happily. He conjured a chair next to Severus' and sat down.

"Please go away," Severus growled.

"Ooh, _that's_ wrong," Lucius said, knocking Severus out of his chair in his haste to snatch up a quill and correct the mistake.

Severus got up seething and pointing his wand at Lucius. "Get out!"

"..."

"..."

"Would you teach me to tango? I have this song that would be perfect—"

Severus dropped his wand picked Lucius up bodily, throwing him from the office. Lucius skidded for several corridors before coming to a stop against a rather hard wall.

"Ouch," he grumbled, getting to his feet. "I just wanted a dance lesson." Unhappily, Lucius decided he needed someone to comfort him because Sevums was mean to him. He left Hogwarts and Apparated to Voldy's super secret hiding spot.

"Lucius!" Voldy said happily. "Come here! Give us a hug!" Lucius hugged him and then sat on the floor, reclining on cushions and sniffling.

"My Highest and Esteemed Lord," Lucius said. "Severus is mean."

"I can cheer you up," Voldy said. "Would you like to Crucio someone?"

"No... Not tonight," Lucius said. "I just want to BE HAPPY!" He sang again with Voldy trying and failing to dance, ending on, "Oh, yeah, so HAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

"SHUT IT!" Lucius stopped in mid-word, _again_, and turned to see Wormtail glaring at him.

"Why do you insist on messing up my endings?" Lucius shrieked. He kicked Wormtail in the shin.

"Ow! My Lard!"

"Did you just call me lard?" Voldy said quietly. "You think I'm fat." He sniffled ominously.

"You called the Dark Lord lard!" Lucius said, horrified. "Wormtail, you make everything worse! Get out of here!" Lucius ran to the Dark Lord.

"I misspoke!" Wormtail protested. Lucius hexed him and hugged Voldy.

"You're not fat," he said.

"Really?" Voldy said. He sniffled again.

"You're beautiful, so... Be happy!"

And so Voldy took his advice and was happy.

**A/N: This chappie wasn't as good as the first, but I'm vaguely pleased with it. If you liked it and want Lucius to sing a particular song, let me know and maybe I'll write a chappie for it. **


	3. New Shoes

**A/N: Lucius needs new shoes. Hence, the song: New Shoes by Paolo Nutini. **

Lucius frowned down at his shoes. They were nice, as far as shoes went, but they were old. He kept them polished and loved them dearly, but he wanted a change.

He decided to pay a visit to Knockturn Alley's own shoe shop, Salazar's Shoes. He Apparated to the store and went in, singing softly, "...Topped it off with a pair of old shoes that were ripped around the seams. And I thought, these shoes just... Don't suit me."

"Hello and welcome to Salazar's Shoes," said a seedy looking wizard behind the counter. "May I help you find something?"

"Yes you may," Lucius said, fussing with his robes as he sat in a conveniently placed chair. "I wish to buy some shoes. I want something... different."

"Well, let me show you these, I—"

"No," Lucius interrupted. "Show me something from _that_ section." The man looked where Lucius was pointing.

"But... Those are shoes for witches," the shopkeeper protested.

"Don't be a bigot," Lucius snapped. "Get to it." The man obeyed, pulling down several pairs of shoes from the ladies' section. He knelt at Lucius' feet, pulling out the first pair. They were black pumps with little sequins sewn onto the toes.

"I don't like them," Lucius whined. "Next."

"Alright, how about these?" the man said, showing him another pair. These were strappy sandals, bright orange and sparkly.

"Too... Strappy," Lucius said. "Next."

The next were red platform shoes, then green leather dominatrix boots, then clear ones with fish in the platform soles. The man showed him what looked like every pair of shoes in the store until Lucius, perusing the shelves from his seat, suddenly leapt up. On bare feet he sprinted for the shelf and pulled down the shoes that had caught his eye.

The shopkeeper looked horrified as Lucius put them on, and he was right to: they were high heels; the strappy toe part was sparkly silver, but the heels were clear. As Lucius walked around, however, little lights in blue, green, and red flashed from inside of the heels.

"Sparkly silver light up high heeled shoes!" Lucius squealed. "I LOOOOOVE them! How much?"

"..."

"..."

"Ten galleons." Lucius giggled and paid the man, tossing his old shoes carelessly into the garbage on his way out.

"Take me wandering through these streets, where bright lights and Lucius meet," Lucius sang loudly as he walked through Knockturn Alley. "Stone to stone they take me on. I'm Lucius 'til the break of dawn!" People stared at him in horror from the shadows. He switched his hips a little as he walked, grinning.

He walked through Diagon Alley to the Leaky Cauldron, walking through the brick wall. He entered the pub still smiling, very pleased that the lights in his shoes were the brightest things in the room.

"Firewhiskey," he said to Tom the innkeeper. Tom couldn't see Lucius' shoes, seeing as he was on the other side of the counter.

"We don't serve firewhiskey this early," Tom informed him. Lucius stared at him. His lip started to quiver; tears filled his eyes. He sniffled ominously.

"But... But... Madam _Rosmerta_ serves firewhiskey all day!" he said.

"Then Apparate to Hogsmeade," Tom said. "You won't get it here."

Lucius began to cry. He turned about and twirled daintily, Apparating.

"OI!" Lucius had Apparated into Severus' bedroom in his house.

"Whoo, Sevums, nice arse!" Lucius said appreciatively, for he had caught Severus in the middle of changing his robes. Severus shrieked at him again, fumbling to cover his privates.

"GET OUT!" Severus bellowed. Lucius complied grumpily, saying, "I'll come back later." He decided he could do with a walk. He left the house, setting off down the street.

"I'm short on money, but long on time... Slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine... OH. MY. GOD." Lucius was looking into the sky. Suddenly, he sprinted back to Severus' house, bursting into his room. "SEVERUS, COME QUICK!" Lucius grabbed his arm and dragged him outside excitedly. Pointing up at the sky violently, he said, "THAT CLOUD LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU, SEVUMS!"

Lucius turned to look at Severus. He had had time enough only to put on his underpants. His face was turning red, oddly enough. He didn't seem to be breathing.

"Severus?" Lucius said, concerned. "Are you well?"

"AAAAII!" came a shout from next door. "Streakers and transvestites! AAAAIII!!!" Severus slowly turned his head to look at the woman staring at them in horror from her front door. Then he keeled over, thumping his head on the door, in a dead faint.

"Shame on you," Lucius called, flipping his hair at the woman. "Go in your house." The woman obeyed, still in shock.

Lucius nudged Severus with a high heeled foot. Severus' eyes fluttered open, and he focused on Lucius' new shoes.

"Lucius," he said in a voice that would have scared the pants off of any Hogwarts student and many teachers. "What is on your feet?" He pushed himself to his feet, eyes glued to Lucius' shoes.

"Sparkly silver light up high heeled shoes!" he giggled. "They're new. D'you like them?"

"... I am not going to dignify that with an answer," Severus grumbled. He went inside his house, slamming the door in Lucius' face. Lucius tried the knob; it was locked.

"I'll just Apparate inside," Lucius called through the door.

"Try it!" Severus challenged. Lucius took this as a sign that Severus had raised the anti-Apparation wards. Lucius shrugged and decided to pay his daily visit to the Dark Lord.

Voldy wasn't in his customary armchair. Lucius looked around, but his Master was nowhere to be seen. "My Lord?" he called. A clatter sounded from the kitchen.

"Go away," Voldy said when Lucius entered the kitchen.

Lucius stared. Voldy sat in a kitchen chair with what looked like a whole bakery arrayed on the table in front of him. He wasn't eating anything; he was staring at the sweets sullenly with his arms crossed over his chest.

"My lord?" Lucius said, taking a tentative step towards his master. "What's the matter?"

Voldy looked at him and sniffled. "I'm fat and ugly and I want to eat these sweets but if I do I'll get even more fat and nobody will like me!" Voldy sniffled again and then began to cry.

"There, there, my lord," Lucius said. "You're beautiful!"

"No I'm not," Voldy sniffled. "I'm a whale! I have no nose!"

"I have just the thing," Lucius said, an idea popping into his mind. He sat down next to Voldy and took off the sparkly silver high heeled light up shoes. He looked fondly at them and then held them out to his master.

"For me?" Voldy asked, reaching for them.

"Hey, I put some new shoes on, and suddenly, Lucius is right!" Lucius sang. "Hey, I put some new shoes on and Lucius is smiling, it's so inviting!" While Lucius sang, Voldy donned the shoes. He stood up and pranced around the kitchen in them, posing every now and again.

"Lovely, my lord," Lucius said with a grin. Then Voldy sat down and together they ate their way through all of the pastries on the table. Then Lucius went home barefoot.

**A/N: Yes, I do own a pair of sparkly silver high heeled light up shoes. They're fun. If any reviewers have ideas for the next chapter, post them in your review, and I'll say again, if there's a song you want done, let me know. Oh, and I forgot to mention in the last chapter, I'm putting something from 404 Ways to Annoy Severus Snape in each chapter. Anyway, that's all.**


	4. Not Big

**A/N: Thanks for reviewing, reviewers! Today Lucius shall sing Not Big by Lily Allen. evil laughter**

Lucius and Severus were going on a picnic. Lucius was delirious with happiness. Severus was hitting him with hexes rather a lot.

"Ooh, Sevums, we're going to have so so so so so so much fun!" Lucius squealed as they walked to the park down the street from Severus' house. "We'll have our picnic and then play on the swings!"

"How did I let you talk me into this?" Severus groaned, lugging the heavy picnic basket. "And why can't you carry something?"

"What, and damage my manicure?" Lucius said, shocked. "No way! And didn't Narcissa ask you to go with me?"

"Yes... To get you out of her hair, she said."

"Well that's mean," Lucius commented. "Oh, there's the park! Come on, let's get a good spot!" He ran ahead, giggling, as Severus gave up and used a discreet levitating charm to carry the basket.

They spread out Lucius' picnic blanket (a pink and blue affair with bunnies) and Lucius began setting food out. Kicking his fluffy pink bunny slippers off, he said, "We've got sandwiches and soups and a thermos of milk and juice boxes and a watermelon and cookies!" Grinning like a loon, he happily took a sandwich.

Severus took a soup and a box of apple juice. As they ate, he asked Lucius, "Don't you have any other shoes that are less... feminine and flamboyant and embarrassing?"

"I gave my last pair to the Big Guy," he said, leaning forward to whisper that last. Severus grunted. He was still not over his last experience with Lucius and shoes.

"So, Cuddles, how about that massage?"

"... I'm... sorry?"

"Well, you look pretty tense, so I thought I'd offer a massage. Y'know, relieve the muscles, nice and oily—"

"SILENCE."

"..."

"..."

"How about instead I bewitch your mind and ensnare your—"

"You bloody buggering son of a harlot," Severus snapped. "_Be silent."_

Lucius dropped his sandwich, staring at Severus. "Did you just call my mother a harlot?"

"Yes!" Severus scowled at him.

"My mother was a respectable witch! Severus... You've gone too far this time! It's over!" Lucius threw down his thermos of milk and stood up.

"What's over?" Severus snapped.

"Our relationship!" Severus was staring open-mouthed at Lucius, as were many small children and parents. And then Lucius began to sing. "I never wanted it to end up this way! You've only got yourself to blame. I'm gonna tell the world you're rubbish in bed, now, and that you're small in the game!" With that, he spun around, stepped into his bunny slippers and went to play on the swings. Severus stared after him amid the giggles of the other people in the park who had heard Lucius' song.

Severus, livid with rage, leapt to his feet and prowled over to the swings. He stood behind Lucius, who was swinging rather high.

"Lucius!"

"So you thought Lucius was gonna be easy? Well you're out of luck. Yeah, let's rewind, let's turn back time to when you couldn't get it up!" Lucius sang happily. The kids swinging next to him giggled. Severus glared at them and they ran away crying.

"We are not in a relationship," he informed Lucius through gritted teeth.

Lucius leapt from his seat at the pinnacle of his next swing. Swirling, his robes flaring out, he said loudly, "So our relationship meant so little to you that you consider it nothing? Oh, Severus!" He began to cry then, loudly.

"Stop it," Severus hissed, grabbing him by the arm and hauling him back to the picnic blanket.

"Shame on you," said a voice from behind him. Severus slowly turned around; it was his neighbor, the woman who had seen him in his underwear. "Making a poor lad like him cry. Such a pretty boy, too. Shame on you!" She shook her finger at an open-mouthed Severus and then walked away

"Has everyone gone crazy?" he snapped.

In a falsetto voice, Lucius sang, "I'm sorry if you feel that I'm being kind of mental, but you left me in such a state..."

"Lucius..." Severus said. "You _are_ mental."

"Now I'm gonna do to you what you did to me. Gonna reciprocate," Lucius sang tauntingly. "I'm going to see the Big Guy, and I'm going to tell him you called my esteemed mother a harlot!" Lucius jumped to his feet and spun, Apparating away.

Voldy was back in his special armchair. Wormtail was serving him tea.

"Lucius!" he said happily. "How are—Oh, dear. Why have you been crying? Come have some tea." Lucius sniffled and sat on the floor beside Voldy, putting his head on Voldy's leg like a puppy. Voldy handed him a cup of tea.

"Oh, my lord!" he cried. "Severus called my mother a harlot and said our relationship meant nothing to him! He hates me!"

"Severus said that?" Voldy said incredulously. Just then, the object of their conversation Apparated in the room. "Severus!" the Dark Lord snapped. "You've upset Lucius!"

"My Lord, he seems to think we're in some sort of romantic relationship," Severus explained calmly. "I think he's been Imperiused or—"

"You are so insensitive, Snape," Wormtail suddenly snapped. "I can't believe you think that little of Lucy here! He's a great man!"

Everyone stared at Wormtail.

"You... really think I'm a great man?" Lucius sniffed. Wormtail nodded, still glaring at Severus. "WORMTAIL, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU CARED!" Lucius sobbed loudly.

"Come here, shnookums, give us a hug," Wormtail said soothingly. Lucius stood up and hugged Wormtail, crying noisily on his shoulder.

"Severus, for being so mean to Lucius, I'm giving you a punishment," Voldy said sinisterly. Severus gulped audibly. "You have to... go to a karaoke bar with Lucius and I," he said evilly, cackling.

Severus fell to his knees, clutching at his greasy head. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

"It'll be so much fun!" Lucius said happily. "Wormtail can go, too! We're bff's now!"

"Bff's? Really?" said Wormtail. "So I can come to your next slumber party?"

"Sure," Voldy said. "We'll use you for a mattress."

Lucius walked over to Severus, who was still cowering on the floor. "Alright, how would it make you feel if I said you that you never ever made me come? In the year and a half that we spent together, yeah, I never really had much fun." Then he stuck his tongue out at Severus and turned his back on him.

"So where should we go for karaoke?" he asked Wormtail and the Dark Lord.

**A/N: Do they have karaoke bars in England? I've never been there. If anyone knows, let me know in your review, because I'm thinking of writing a chapter about it. Anyway, same old stuff, taking song suggestions, 404 Ways to blah blah blah... Go review. **


	5. Build Me Up Buttercup

**A/N: I'm so glad everyone likes my story! In this chapter, Lucius, Sevums, Wormtail, and Voldy go to a karaoke bar. Lucius will be singing Build Me Up Buttercup by the Temptations at the suggestion of obsessmuch. I also managed to sneak in Dude (Looks Like a Lady) by Aerosmith. And I listened to ****Non je ne regrette rien and decided to have that be the next chapter. Anyway. Read.**

Lucius was looking totally glam on the night that the Dark Lord decided they were going to a karaoke bar. He was wearing a sparkly pink halter top, black leather tightpants, pink high heels with bells attached, and his hair was looking as lovely and lustrous as ever. Over it all he wore black silk robes he left open to billow gracefully behind him. All in all, he thought as he looked in the mirror, he looked pretty hot.

He Apparated to the Dark Lord's super secret hiding place to find it in chaos. The Dark Lord was crying, Wormtail was squealing and running around, and Severus was bellowing at the top of his lungs.

"Hey!" Lucius said in alarm. He cast Silencio on Severus, immobilized Wormtail, and knelt down next to the Dark Lord's chair. "Whatever is going on here?"

"Severus doesn't want to go, Wormtail can't find anything to wear, and I am so ugly that everyone will run away if I try to sing." Voldy sniffled.

"There, there. Severus, your lord and master wants you to go, remember? So you have no choice." Severus nodded. He looked slightly calmer, so Lucius took the spell off of him. "Wormtail, I'll help you find something to wear." He took the spell off Wormtail. "And we'll just have to glam you up, pooky!" he said to Voldy.

"Glam him up?" Severus said, his face turning slowly red.

"Yes."

"I hate you."

"..."

"..."

"I need you, I need you, more than anyone, Sev'rus! You know that I have from the start! So build me up, build me up, buttercup, don't break my heart!" Lucius sang. Severus looked like he was having a heart attack. Lucius nodded at him. "Wait here." He hooked his arms through Wormtail and Voldy's and dragged them into the bathroom.

"Okay, let's get to work," he said happily.

------

"Ready for the fashion show, Sevums?" Lucius called from the hallway. "Suit in the chair! I'll provide music, and our models, they're just lovely!" He peeked around the corner to make sure Severus was sitting in the chair.

Lucius began to sing. "Why do you build me up, Lucius, buttercup, baby, just to let me down and mess me around? And worse of all..." As he sang, Wormtail pranced out of the bathroom. He was wearing bell bottom jeans and a tight white t-shirt. He had a yellow beret on his head and sported a full face of makeup. On his feet were the green dominatrix boots Lucius had rejected at Salazar's Shoes. Severus closed his eyes as Wormtail danced to Lucius' singing.

"And our next model," Lucius announced, and then started singing again. He watched Severus as the Dark Lord flounced out into the living room.

Voldy was wearing a red leather corset and—to Severus' horror—a black leather mini skirt. He wore strappy high heels, a blonde wig, and makeup.

"What—are—you—doing?" Severus asked. Lucius thought he seemed a little upset.

"How could we not show off that pale, lovely skin?" Lucius said. "And if anyone asks, we're going to say he got a nose job, isn't it lovely?"

"You are getting glitter on my robes," Severus snapped at Wormtail. Wormtail pouted and moved away.

"Everyone ready?" Lucius said brightly. "Let's go. We're going to a wizarding karaoke bar, the Crooning Fwooper. Let's go!" He Apparated, finding himself in a dimly lit bar with a low stage at one end and the actual bar at the other.

They sat for a while, all but Severus giggling when men hit on them. Finally, Lucius decided it was his and Voldy's turn to sing. He dragged Voldy up onto the stage and grabbed a mike. "This song is dedicated to you, Sevums, baby," Lucius said, pointing directly at Severus. Everyone turned to look at him with murmurs of, "Aw, they're so cute together!"

"...To you I'm a toy but I could be the boy you adore, if you'd just let me know."

"Bah-dah-dah!" added Voldy.

"Although you're untrue I'm attracted to you all the more. Why do I need you so?"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Voldy put in.

The song was over too soon, and they returned to the bar to sit beside Wormtail and Severus.

"You are mental," Severus hissed to Lucius. Lucius simply kissed him on the cheek.

"You, too, buttercup," he said.

"As part of your punishment, you have to sing a song, Lucy's choice," Voldy suddenly said. Severus started to cry.

"Oh, don't worry, Sevvie-kins," Lucius said. "It's fun! I have the perfect song!"

So Severus stood and dragged his feet all the way to the front.

"Whoo!" Lucius said loudly. "Go Sevvie-poo!" Severus glared at him.

The music started. Severus missed his cue and just stood there, glaring. Lucius jumped to his feet and ran to the front to rescue him. He leapt onto the stage, slung his arm around Severus' shoulders, and began to sing, swaying to the beat.

"Forgive me if I seem out of line, then she whipped out her gun and tried to blow me away! That, that, dude looks like a lady! That, that, dude looks like a lady!" He held on to Severus until the song ended. They got a standing ovation and calls for an encore. Lucius grinned and bowed happily. Severus hexed him.

Ten minutes later, Lucius was rubbing his bum where Severus had hit him with a hex and it was Wormtail's turn to sing.

"This song is dedicated to my lord and master," Wormtail said. The patrons glanced at each other uneasily. The music started, and Wormtail began to sing, "I heard he sang a good song... I heard he had a style... And so I came to see him, to listen for a while... and there he was, this young boy, a stranger to my eyes..." Here Wormtail struck a dramatic pose. "Strumming my pain with his fingers! Singing my life with his words! Killing me softly with his song!"

Everyone stared in awed horror until Wormtail finished on a long, high note. He bowed to the smattering of applause and returned to his seat at the bar.

"Was I good?" he asked Lucius anxiously.

"Er..." said Lucius. "It was... an experience, indeed."

"It was horrendous," Severus said. Wormtail sniffled and ordered a double firewhiskey. He proceeded to get drunk.

"I think," Voldy said a little while later. "That it is time to go home." Severus was crying with rage at the whole affair, Wormtail was drunk, and Lucius had given his phone number to three different men.

"Come on, Wormtail," Lucius said, taking his bff's arm. "Side-along with me..." Lucius himself was more than a little drunk. Luckily they didn't miss their target by too much; they Apparated into the garden of Voldy's house. Stumbling, they went inside to find Voldy there, asleep in his armchair. Apparently Severus had gone straight home. Lucius dragged Wormtail to the couch and then found himself a bed.

"Hey, hey, hey! Baby, baby, try to find, hey, hey, hey! A little time and I'll make you happy, hey, hey, hey! I'll be home I'll be beside the phone waiting for you! Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo!" Lucius sang as he fell asleep.

**A/N: Will Voldy ever get over his self-esteem issues? Will Severus ever be the same? Will Wormtail and Lucius' friendship last? Find out in the next chapter! A note: There's nothing from 404 Ways to Annoy Snape in here. He went through enough this chapter.**


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